Happily Ever After

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“Enjoying your honeymoon period? “. 1 year into marriage, and this is all I have been hearing from all quarters of the society. The word honeymoon makes me squeamish than any other word in the English dictionary. Speaking of which I Google the word and our modern age ‘go -to guide’, Wikipedia throws up this definition.” Honeymoon. Originally "honeymoon" simply described the period just after the wedding when things are at their sweetest; it is assumed to wane in a month. This is the period when newly wed couples take a break to share some private and intimate moments that helps establish love in relationship.”

The key here - this is the period, lasting perhaps a month to a year is supposed to be the sweetest and establishes love in the relationship.

I think not. I beg to differ. I strongly oppose.

Whoever has been telling us that the first year of marriage is a bed of roses has obviously never been married and is definitely wrong. Is it pragmatic to assume that life would be a beautiful for a new comer? When has life been kind to us when we had to face something for the first time? First time we went to school, first time our tooth fell, first time we went on stage, first time we rode a cycle, first crush, first exam. Oh hell, they have all been scary! They have all tested the best of our abilities. Logically speaking, shouldn’t one therefore conclude that having not been married before, that the first year of marriage is the hardest? The firsts only seem poetic or romantic in retrospect.

It’s a popular perception that couples are in their best of behavior during the years of dating. Maybe not. But its probably human tendency for partners to find things that they agree with more easily than things they don’t, during this time. But when the humdrum of everyday life kicks in, all the little things that one doesn’t agree with slowly starts bubbling up to the surface.

There are perhaps many couples who would recount their days of glory in the first one-year.  Many arranged marriages work beautifully on that principle. But for urban couples, who live alone, have distinct identities that they are uncompromising about, and are off the same age/have engaging careers; living together is a different plane.

With live-ins still a distant reality for most of us, the first one month of marriage is the first time you actually start seeing the person for 24 hours, 7 days a week.

 A typical day begins with you waking up to a groggy face and most often you are not a pretty sight either. White goo streaming from the corner of the eyes, tousled hair and sluggish body language. The door bill rings. Who is going to attend the door? An argument ensues. The less lazy, or the one who didn’t get up the previous time, or the one who is better dressed, gets up in a huff, muttering under his/her breath.  

Good Morning!

You observe his habits, and you study yours. If they clash, sometimes (rarely) you don’t care but if you are walking on the OCD tightrope, and these habits border on issues of hygiene, you argue.  Sometimes you also command in the pretext of a request. “Can you please close the lid of the toothpaste?” “ Can you not throw the wet towel on the bed”, followed by “ How many times have I told you; can’t you keep your footwear inside the shoe cabin,”

Most couples spend a lot of time, in their initial one-year of being together, eating out. This is usually due to pesky relatives’ invitation to honour your ‘holy matrimony’, but most of the time a result of the trials and many errors in the kitchen He points out that the salt is a wee bit more in the rasam. All right you mutter, but when you wonder why he couldn’t complement you with the same enthusiasm on the chicken that he is slowly slurping away, you fume.  When he cooks, the food tastes fine, but the kitchen is in complete disarray and there is way too much oil, you now nitpick. Food can say a lot about a person. Lack of food, and lack of food on time makes some people divulge their worst side. Some adjust and eat whatever they are given; some will eat precisely only five vegetables. Food dictates mood, food reveals upbringing yet food can also make people bond, especially when eaten out.

Fights. You squabble over petty things. Watching TV, over not helping in the kitchen, over not letting things go and squabble over squabbling all the time.  Whether house chores, or planning a vacation, you want things to get done immediately, he doesn’t understand why everything is urgent and suggests that you take a ‘chill pill. ‘You don’t want to become the nagging wife stereotype, yet you are treading that thin and dangerous line between getting things done without sounding nagging. “Why can’t you do it when I tell you to do it, then I don’t have to nag” you bark and justify. But by then you are already labeled ‘Hitler’! It is a vicious cycle!

Sometimes the fundamental principle of nature- people are different is sadly forgotten. He doesn’t want to talk about work when he comes back. He would rather have the SportsCenter chick or FIFA 13 for company. But it’s your nature to rattle off about the day and ask a lot of questions.  He answers in monosyllables with his eyes transfixed to the screen. The attention is divided, and the rattle turns ballistic.

When he is upset he wants to be left alone, when you are, you want to talk for hours, eat something high calorie, or go out for some retail therapy.

At the end of the day, when you don’t have a rationale you simply put the blame on nature. Men and women. Oh we are wired do differently. (I am sure Allan Pease of  'Why men dont listen and women cant read maps’ fame is having a hearty laugh).

But somewhere along the way of exploring uncharted regions in the relationship and testing waters, you learn. Sometimes unlearn and re-learn. In that process you may also discover new found interests and shared beliefs. You watch movies together and dissect them in glee. You have always wanted to hike and he has been hiking all his life. So he pushes you to walk that extra mile.  Kindergarten duties are rekindled as you learn to divide and share. He loves going for long walks while you don’t. So he takes the dog for a walk while you make tea. And you bathe the dog while he dusts the fan. You also learn each other’s quirks and idiosyncrasies. He is not a morning person and there is no point in bombarding him with questions when he wakes up. You don’t like anybody hovering around you after work and appreciate it when he doesn’t.

He may never understand why you have so many cushions on the diwan, or the concept of window-shopping. You may never get his fascination for the Xbox. As long as you are not trying to change each other, sanity prevails.

Walking together along the learning curve, you pick up the nuances; the little somethings that help you determine where to draw the line, when to put the foot down, where to give up and when to give in.  Then finally one day when maturity makes a come back, you decide that little things must be given only little attention.

As the sunsets, and you snuggle into bed, feeling the warmth and happiness of being together, you realize that most importantly you have learnt to prioritize. You have learnt to accommodate, without that translating into a compromise. (Which is a big word and which never works in the long run). You learn to live and let live, and love without hurting the other. The impromptu ‘I want ice cream now’ trips, movie marathons and sudden holidays make up for all the glitches.

Since we have finally learnt to live with each other, we feel more settled and reconciled to life, doesn’t the happily ever after begin now?

Despite the several arguments, as long as the fun never stops (even while doing the dishes), the laughter never dies (over each other’s stupidity), love is always around, the journey never ends and the learning never stops.

Let the honeymoon (yuck) begin!